It has been so long since I went through a break up that I have almost forgotten what that feels like. On the other hand for Sheila (my Cherie, partner in crime and best-frenemy) it has been just a fortnight. We are almost past the soft landings, now we even joke about it. She is obviously not yet fully mended but at least now there is some hope ebbing in, in the form of another man… possibly just a rebound… and worse still, also married! The girl seems to have a type; I don’t know if it’s the money that attracts her or she just likes her men taken. Guess she missed the lesson on once bitten twice shy.
Break ups are different for everyone, the pain experienced during a break up is as individual as the trillions of people who go through it, with the only common factor being... pain. Which is why people will linger in abusive relationships for decades before finally calling it quits. Knowing the pain that lies ahead makes one more than fearful of taking that next step towards walking away. Something about the devil you know being better than the angel you are yet to meet.
At times I wonder, have I gotten so deep into my relationship with T.B that I wouldn’t know if things got out of hand. Where there is no physical abuse, what are the markings of a bad relationship?
Like all other couples I know, T.B and I fight… we at times go for days without speaking but when we do make up, things go right back to honeymoon phase. People say that T.B and I are more of best friends than lovers, this is probably because we don’t have that clinginess of most dating couples, we don’t use pet names (if I wanted to be called baby or sugar or pumpkin I would have quit campus and become a stripper), we don’t have to see each other daily a simple call will do for me, as long as it’s not absolute silence. Also, there is the eminent issue of the l-word. So just because he won’t tell me he loves me, does it mean that he doesn’t?
Shouldn’t love be more about the actions than the words? And if so, what are the actions to look for in love?
I have about a million and one questions racing through my brain about this issue but the only one that is really bothering me is… am I looking for a way out? Why am I all of a sudden so unsure? Is it that I want to be assured of his commitment or am I just looking for confirmation that this relationship has reached its threshold? All I know is I am not ready for the pain of letting go. T.B I may not really love you but I know I want to and I sure hope that that is reason enough to make this work.
Obsession is feeling fearful that you may be losing him; detachment is knowing that he may be losing you; and apathy is the past tense of both. I don’t know yet where I lie, but I hope when the time comes, if it will come, and hoping it hasn’t already come… I will be able to realize when the relationship is ready to end and have the strength to walk out head held high, with a pair of jimmy choos and a wallet to match, ready to take on the world; broken hearted but alive.
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