The Last Straw

It has been so long since I went through a break up that I have almost forgotten what that feels like. On the other hand for Sheila (my Cherie, partner in crime and best-frenemy) it has been just a fortnight. We are almost past the soft landings, now we even joke about it. She is obviously not yet fully mended but at least now there is some hope ebbing in, in the form of another man… possibly just a rebound… and worse still, also married! The girl seems to have a type; I don’t know if it’s the money that attracts her or she just likes her men taken. Guess she missed the lesson on once bitten twice shy.

Break ups are different for everyone, the pain experienced during a break up is as individual as the trillions of people who go through it, with the only common factor being... pain. Which is why people will linger in abusive relationships for decades before finally calling it quits. Knowing the pain that lies ahead makes one more than fearful of taking that next step towards walking away. Something about the devil you know being better than the angel you are yet to meet.

At times I wonder, have I gotten so deep into my relationship with T.B that I wouldn’t know if things got out of hand. Where there is no physical abuse, what are the markings of a bad relationship?

Like all other couples I know, T.B and I fight… we at times go for days without speaking but when we do make up, things go right back to honeymoon phase. People say that T.B and I are more of best friends than lovers, this is probably because we don’t have that clinginess of most dating couples, we don’t use pet names (if I wanted to be called baby or sugar or pumpkin I would have quit campus and become a stripper), we don’t have to see each other daily a simple call will do for me, as long as it’s not absolute silence. Also, there is the eminent issue of the l-word. So just because he won’t tell me he loves me, does it mean that he doesn’t?

Shouldn’t love be more about the actions than the words? And if so, what are the actions to look for in love?

I have about a million and one questions racing through my brain about this issue but the only one that is really bothering me is… am I looking for a way out? Why am I all of a sudden so unsure? Is it that I want to be assured of his commitment or am I just looking for confirmation that this relationship has reached its threshold? All I know is I am not ready for the pain of letting go. T.B I may not really love you but I know I want to and I sure hope that that is reason enough to make this work.

Obsession is feeling fearful that you may be losing him; detachment is knowing that he may be losing you; and apathy is the past tense of both. I don’t know yet where I lie, but I hope when the time comes, if it will come, and hoping it hasn’t already come… I will be able to realize when the relationship is ready to end and have the strength to walk out head held high, with a pair of jimmy choos and a wallet to match, ready to take on the world; broken hearted but alive.

Bloody Shame

recipe for Bloody Shame (non-alcoholic)

3 oz V8® vegetable juice
2-3 drops Tabasco® sauce
1 pinch salt
1 pinch peppers
1 celery stick

Pour V8 into an old-fashioned glass, add tabasco sauce and stir with a celery stalk. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, and serve.

(A non-alcoholic drink???? Is crystal going sober??? Find out why...)

Men love to lie, but they are absolutely horrible at it. Women rarely lie, but when they do, it's a story so good that it could be the basis for an entire Spanish soap opera series. Women hate lying; but unlike men, when they do, they carefully craft a maze of stories, alibis and twists and turns.

So what exactly have we learnt thus far…? Men lie more but women lie better… except me

Case in point:

I have always considered myself a good liar, one of the best actually. If there is a book on how to lie convincingly I probably wrote it and pinned the blame on some poor unsuspecting author. I have been lying my way out of and into things ever since I discovered that I could.

There are 10 crucial steps to making a good lie:

1.       Make peace with your decision to lie

2.       Consider the likelihood of being detected

3.       Get your revision of events straight

4.       Use your imagination, envision the lie

5.       Bring the lie up before you are questioned about the matter

6.       Avoid elaborate stories that create a need for corroboration

7.       Play dumb

8.       Appear indifferent

9.       Follow through

10.   Know when not to lie!!

This weekend I chose to tell a lie, and a very dumb one at that. I obviously got caught and the worst part is… I didn’t even have to lie. There is nothing as bad as losing your credibility with a very senior member of the company and to add insult to injury, making an utter fool of yourself when he catches you lying.

I am in coast for the weekend for a work thing with a few colleagues. My boss being one of them. He happens to be a very strict Christian… the non-alcoholic church elder type so I have always told him I share in his sobriety. In fact only a handful of people in the office know about my inebriations…. I am a typical wolf in sheep’s clothing except that this wolf wears short skirts and heels.

I broke the two main rules of a good lie… knowing when not to lie and more importantly… following through with the lie. After a long day of heat, humidity and boring seminars; once I heard that there was an open bar I absolutely forgot that I was playing Virgin Mary only to get caught in a very drunken stupor by Mr. Boss. He obviously didn’t mind that I drink… only that I lied to him about it; makes him wonder what else I have been lying about.

Oh well, crystal caught in a web of her own lie… who would have thought… what a bloody shame.

The Devil's Cocktail

What is love…

Falling in love may feel like a meeting of hearts and minds but really, it’s just a kind of temporary insanity driven by hormones.

Believe it or not, these words were first said by a scientist; learned and presumably wise; and more recently they were said to me on a Saturday night over drinks by a man I supposedly love. (I did mention before,about saturday nights, alcohol and the L word…. It’s a curse I tell you… a curse!!)

The boyfriend was in one of his moods, (not the good ones). I don’t know why, but he asked; a question I thought I was extremely prepared for. “Do you love me?” I almost smiled at the mere thought of where this conversation was headed, so of course I said YES, boldly and surely.

“Crystal, what is love?”

I did not see that coming. In my head when we had this conversation this was the part he says, I love you too/ more… but the question, that, I was not ready for.

The first thing that came to mind was… love is true, love is kind, love is patient, love is wise… bla bla bla something about keeping record of wrongs etc but I doubted that he was looking for a bible passage; so instead I asked him, “T.B what is love to you? And hence the learned and presumably wise response… “Falling in love is a temporary insanity”  The key word here being temporary

Since them I have dedicated my entire weekend to stressing, nail biting and more importantly finding an answer. What is love?

Personally, I view love in three entities… lust, enchantment and attachment. The three can occur in any order and in any combination. You can fall in love with someone before you sleep with them, you can deeply fall in love with someone then become attached to them, and you can also have a sexual relationship, fall in love then get attached as I did.

Lust here implies the craving for sexual gratification; enchantment is expressed in the romance, the flirtation the fascination and the passion; and attachment is that sense of calm and security that you feel for a long-term partner.

Is it temporary? Maybe, maybe not… that is all up to how resilient and persevering you are willing to be.

Is it hormonal? I hope so… at least that is something more tangible as opposed to perceived feelings. In fact studies show sudden rises in oxytocin and vasopressin after certain acts of love e.g. sex, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes etc

Is it insane? Of course, no human in their right mind would blindly choose to give another dominion over their heart, soul and mind. In fact the same learned scientists have said that certain parts of the brain become deactivated when we are in love, including areas linked with negative emotions, planning, critical social assessment, the evaluation of trustworthiness and fear.

Note that my love has nothing to do with the heart or any other particular organ. The only role I can accredit to my heart here is keeping up the beat so that I stay alive to be more and more insane and hormonal with each new day.

So next time T.B ambushes me I will have an answer for him, maybe not a good one but it is a true one.

"Love is the ultimate balance of three perceived evils…  Lust, enchantment and attachment. It is... the devil's cocktail”

upside down pick-me-up

 Every so often, actually once a month, almost like clockwork; I go into a bout of depression. I am not sure if it’s what they call PMS; there are no mood changes or anger episodes, just plain sadness. It only lasts about a day or two but it hits hard, and after wards I will feel rejuvenated. It has become such a normal part of my cycle that i almost can't do without it.

You know the expression, ‘having a dark cloud hovering over your head’? It is nothing like that. It’s more like death flew over my head, dropped a load of shit smack in the center of my freshly permed hair and no matter how much I try to shake off the poop the smell lingers; anyone passing by me gets more than their fair share of a whiff of the sorrow.

 Have you ever felt like everything in your life is completely going wrong? Everything that seemed perfect yesterday is all of a sudden feeling bleak and dark. I feel like  I am the girl with an upside down smile in the million dollar painting as the center piece of the art gallery, my life seems beautiful, priceless even, from the outside, but its beauty is only seen in the very things that make it pitiful.

Remembrance…

All of a sudden, I seem to remember things I shouldn’t. I heard somewhere that remembrance is the hearts own way of staying in touch; keeping alive the flames of passion of loves lost; corroding the scars of hearts broken; retracing the steps of paths taken. Remembrance is the hearts own way; the body heals, the mind forgets, but the heart lingers. A broken soul burns in hell, a broken mind withers in foolishness, a broken body limps in pain but a broken heart remembers.

And for now that’s all I can do…remember. At times it feels better to just live in the moment. Enjoy each passing second without having to consider the repercussions in the future. Just pick up the bottle, empty glass after glass until you can no longer remember what the boss said or what the boyfriend didn’t say or what you should have said to either of them.

Just like a yawn, or seeing someone apply lip balm, grief too is very contagious so I should warn you all to stay clear of me for the next 24 hours or so… in fact you should probably stop reading like right now before you are tempted to sneak into bed and cry yourself to sleep.

Molotov cocktail...

 Anyway, at the very least i am grateful for my bouts of misery, it is the only thing, depressing as it may be, that is real. Tomorrow i will be happy, a cocktail glass in my hand a toothpick in the other; but today I see me for who I really am; holding a bottle of Molotov and a match to go. I am brittle but I’m not broken, scarred but I’m not torn, neither half empty nor half full, I may be the girl with an upside down smile... but it is beautiful and a hell lot better than no smile at all.