upside down pick-me-up

 Every so often, actually once a month, almost like clockwork; I go into a bout of depression. I am not sure if it’s what they call PMS; there are no mood changes or anger episodes, just plain sadness. It only lasts about a day or two but it hits hard, and after wards I will feel rejuvenated. It has become such a normal part of my cycle that i almost can't do without it.

You know the expression, ‘having a dark cloud hovering over your head’? It is nothing like that. It’s more like death flew over my head, dropped a load of shit smack in the center of my freshly permed hair and no matter how much I try to shake off the poop the smell lingers; anyone passing by me gets more than their fair share of a whiff of the sorrow.

 Have you ever felt like everything in your life is completely going wrong? Everything that seemed perfect yesterday is all of a sudden feeling bleak and dark. I feel like  I am the girl with an upside down smile in the million dollar painting as the center piece of the art gallery, my life seems beautiful, priceless even, from the outside, but its beauty is only seen in the very things that make it pitiful.

Remembrance…

All of a sudden, I seem to remember things I shouldn’t. I heard somewhere that remembrance is the hearts own way of staying in touch; keeping alive the flames of passion of loves lost; corroding the scars of hearts broken; retracing the steps of paths taken. Remembrance is the hearts own way; the body heals, the mind forgets, but the heart lingers. A broken soul burns in hell, a broken mind withers in foolishness, a broken body limps in pain but a broken heart remembers.

And for now that’s all I can do…remember. At times it feels better to just live in the moment. Enjoy each passing second without having to consider the repercussions in the future. Just pick up the bottle, empty glass after glass until you can no longer remember what the boss said or what the boyfriend didn’t say or what you should have said to either of them.

Just like a yawn, or seeing someone apply lip balm, grief too is very contagious so I should warn you all to stay clear of me for the next 24 hours or so… in fact you should probably stop reading like right now before you are tempted to sneak into bed and cry yourself to sleep.

Molotov cocktail...

 Anyway, at the very least i am grateful for my bouts of misery, it is the only thing, depressing as it may be, that is real. Tomorrow i will be happy, a cocktail glass in my hand a toothpick in the other; but today I see me for who I really am; holding a bottle of Molotov and a match to go. I am brittle but I’m not broken, scarred but I’m not torn, neither half empty nor half full, I may be the girl with an upside down smile... but it is beautiful and a hell lot better than no smile at all.