First 99 problems

First of all, it’s pretty sad that a drink containing Malibu should have such a name; there are no problems with Malibu only solutions; I bet the only reason global warming hasn’t rendered us all impotent and bald is because there still lies some hope at the bottom of that sweet rum bottle.

Forgive me tequila; for I know not what I speak of.

The first 99…

When you’re new to the dating world (and by that I mean you’re either nine, make that seven, or recently divorced) it’s very common to find yourself falling for the completely wrong guy; that guy/girl that will put you off dating and generally all other sexes except your own for a while.

People often wonder, how did I not see that he was wrong for me? Was I blinded or stoned for the entire time that I was with the said fool?  

Maybe the guy had you under some sort of juju spell, though if you ask me, I would probably blame it on compromise.

They say that for a relationship to work, both parties must be willing to make certain compromises; and I agree entirely… however, before you declare yourself to be in a relationship there should be no compromise whatsoever. What do I mean?? Well, seeing as I have only ever been a pussy-carrier, I can only speak for the females, at least the sane ones who understand proper use of leggings (i.e. to start or spread fires)

Every girl has an idea of how they want to be swept off their feet; some like to be air lifted, some like to be wind-blown, a few will even settle for the good old fashioned broom as long as there is a prince charming involved. Personally, I wouldn’t mind miniature jets, Chryslers and gold mines; but seeing as those men are busy snorting coke in Hollywood I will settle for nothing short of my well thought out,  future Mr. Right condition list.

Not every guy who takes you on a perfect first date is bound to be the father of your unborns; but then again, if he can’t get the first step right why should he be allowed a chance at all?

PS: I’m not talking about the tall dark and handsome conditions. Why would you give him your number in the first place if he didn’t fit the profile? Let’s say, you have found Mr. T.D.H, or equivalent depending on your preference, what makes him qualified to be a future Mr. Crystal. Find out after the break…